The first week at home

Originally posted 19th June 2019.

It feels like it will last forever. Dramatic I know, but it really feels like it.

Note: If you have been through depression and have had an anxiety breakdown, there may be triggers in this for you. So please don't read on if you don't want to.

Triggers: Feelings and thoughts of going through a breakdown / rock bottom

In that first week at home, it was very much a blur as I felt like I was having an out of body experience.

I went home on the Tuesday, and I really thought at this point it would just take a week for the tablets to start working and I would be on the mend the week after.

It took much longer

I went home that Tuesday, and I didn't leave the house again for 4 weeks.

I couldn't. I physically couldn't. I got home, and I was so frightened of what was happening. I felt so separated from myself that I didn't feel like me. When I spoke, I felt like it wasn't me talking, and when I walked (the little I did from the bed to the sofa) I felt like I was floating. It was such a bizarre experience the whole thing.

The days were very long, and when I woke up each morning it felt like things were getting worst. I wasn't eating (which is super out of character for me as I love food), I couldn't stand up so I was constantly lying down. I was so tired but I couldn't sleep, when I tried to sleep I couldn't stay asleep. I would lay down, and do absolutely nothing and I would feel a rise in my stomach. Not like I was going to be sick, but it was an overwhelming feeling of doom and gloom and something bad was going to happen. All I was doing was laying down. I thought if I lay down, and don't move, nothing bad will happen. My mind was going at 100 miles an hour and thoughts I had were that I was going to faint, I was going to fall over if I walked, I was going to hurt myself if I ate. It was so weird. It was crippling.

I felt like I was going to faint constantly, I couldn't see as my vision was so blurry. I got my eyes tested as I was so worried and as it happens, I needed glasses for screens, but I felt I was out of my body as I was just looking at the world through blurred eyes. I felt like I couldn't see clearly at all.

And it felt like it was going to last forever.

The fainting feeling is something I found hard to talk about. I felt if I didn't mention it, it wouldn't happen. And if I did talk about it, it would happen.

Its crazy how the mind works.

I thought if I don't mention it then it won't happen. Because talking about it out loud made it feel real.

Extreme I know, but it was so real. It felt like that was my life now and I thought I had to learn to live like this now.

It was hard to take it moment by moment, as every moment was a struggle. The pain; the physical pain and the mental pain was becoming so unbearable. Just trying to sleep, wait for the day to end in the hope that the next day would be better.

It went on like this for the rest of the week, and each day was repeating: taking the tablets, waiting for it to get better. I just had RuPaul's Drag Race on in the background (My favourite show) and that's why I had it on. Because I had seen it so many times I didn't have to think about watching it. It was that hard to watch TV! (Like... What?) I didn't feel like I would get better in the beginning.

Every day, my step mum called me, I talked out all the feelings and thoughts I had. And I cried, and cried and cried. I really felt truly sad.

I had people all around me, I was talking everyday. That is the one thing I really committed too. All it was I was doing was talking of what is happening and how horrible it felt. My friends, my best-est friend and my step mum, all listened so patiently.

It didn't get better in a week (in hindsight I see now why it takes time), so at the end of that week I was so drained from just trying to live, and I knew at that moment I needed the time to recover. I needed to rest and wait for it to pass, and focus on resting and taking each day one day at a time.

In that moment it's all a blur, and you feel like you're just living for the sake of it. It is that intense. Like a load of pressure on your head all the time, but not a headache. Pressure like your drowning.

The medication is definteily hard in the beginning. But seeing how I am now (3 months since breakdown) it has made a huge difference.

As I mentioned in the last post, I started the medication, and the side effects were a contributor to how my emotions and thoughts were in that week. My doctor said 'it is likely that it will get worst before it gets better', and it really did.

In the next post I am going to talk about the medication and the side effects I had which lasted 4 weeks. It was really after the 4 weeks that I felt the change, but I will explain this more.

Everyone reacts differently, especially to different medications. But I'll share my experience on the medication I am on.

I will also in the future share how the medication affects me now (positively).

Thanks for stopping by and listening to my story.

Danni