The Beginning

Originally posted May 28th 2019.

So it's best I start from the beginning really. So here I go! I’m going to jump right in.

In the beginning leading up (this was I would say around 1 – 2 months before, so really this all happened and came to a head very quickly) I kept experiencing weird body feelings like I wasn't present and not like myself. As most of us probably do, I went to go get checked out at the doctors.

The feelings I was having were constant shaking in my hands, feeling very tired (exhausted) and light-headedness. The light-headedness was worrying me, and I couldn’t shake the overwhelming feeling of constantly feeling like something bad was going to happen.

I would sit at my desk and one of the next signs I had was blurry vision. In the beginning I could still concentrate on work and still perform well, so I just tried desperately to brush it to one side and carry on.

This started after I had a small incident at work. I had fainted at work after cutting my hand. I have hemophobia and have always had this but I've been able to cope. I have also fainted before and been able to cope with this, and been absolutely fine. Something I've asked laughed about before!

So with hemophobia, this is something I find extremely hard to talk about; I just can’t talk about it. So, I thought revealing it in this blog would help me come to terms with it too. On the subject of this, I am now receiving help for this phobia.

The week after I fainted, I was absolutely fine, pretty much back to normal as I disregarded this as it had happened before. Work were incredibly supportive and we're more concerned that I was!

Two weeks after I started to get spells of feeling faint, like I was going to faint, although I can tell the difference between feeling faint and actually fainting. But panic set in and I couldn’t shake this feeling.

The next day I was very lightheaded and dizzy and couldn’t work out what was going on, constantly panicking (although I didn’t realise at the time it was panic) and feeling a huge sense of dread. Feeling scared, I literally went straight to the doctors, explained the symptoms and they saw me right away. At that time while being checked, my BP was low, so I assumed it was this.

In hindsight, that’s what we do, when we can’t see something, and don’t realise its going on in our head, we pinpoint it to something that is physical.

At the time, I didn’t realise this wasn’t the case at all, and my body was actually giving me warning signs to stop.

However, I proceeded to have tests, more BP tests and all results then came back fine. I was probably more worried as I was like “what is going on with my body, something really isn’t right”. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something wasn’t right.

In the weeks leading up, things got worst. What I remember so vividly (which was the point I knew I needed help) is the next thing that really gave me warning signs.

I was sat in McDonalds with my partner and brother, and had this overwhelming feeling of 'something bad is going to happen. At thr time I started to panic, but again didn't know what this kind of panic was. Trying to keep it together, I sat while the boys ate.

Instantly I had a horrible feeling in my chest, tightness, along with blurry vision, and I said to my partner “I don’t feel right”. He then said “What's up? Is it because there is lots of people here?” In that moment, what I didn’t realise is I was having a mild panic attack, I shot out of McDonald's and said “I need some air.” After that I was so confused. I couldn’t control my breathing, I was so unsettled and I couldn’t face going back in.

I felt like I was in a bubble of pressure.

I mouthed through the window to my other half “I need to go home.” He brought my brother out, carrying McDonald's in their hands while we walked back to the car. Bless them both, they were both so supportive as I explained something was wrong and I wasn’t sure what.

I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Something was really wrong with my body, and I was becoming consumed by these thoughts that something bad was going to happen all the time.

In the lead up to that moment, I was fine when working at work, and at home, however, all the time, I can’t tell you enough the feelings I was having. Going back to the dizziness and light-headedness, this was just constant, I would have ‘waves’ of pressure build up around me. These went on all sporadic throughout the day. I just tried to deal with it, without really saying much to anyone and only saying that ‘I didn’t feel right’.

The feeling of not feeling right is how it starts. My body was telling me I needed to slow down. I was ignoring the signs, really not realising what implications this would have in the future. Because it's mental and ‘in our heads’, when we can’t see something physical, we do panic as we don’t have an explanation for it.

In the next blog, I will talk more of the story after this. As we go along, I will also talk about different topics such as medication, sections from my worry diary, how I found to look after myself and other areas.

Thanks again for stopping by, until the next time.

Danni