Starting medication and breaking point

Originally posted 10th June 2019.

It's not for everyone, but I see the benefits now.

When I was younger (say 18), I did have a minor depressive spell where medication was an option. However, I decided to not have them and get through it on my own.

This time around, I was so crippled by anxiety I just needed something to help me cope and focus. I was sceptical, which is judgemental of me, but I absolutely believe I made the right choice starting the medication.

So the day I started the tablets I knew something really wasn't right with me (I keep saying this, because it was a constant feeling of something bad is going to happen to me). I hoped after starting the tablets I would start to feel better. The doctor did say it can get worst before it gets better. And it absolutely did get worst. I will talk more about the medication and the side effects in it's own blog another time.

The point it got to when I knew I wasn't well, was the Saturday and Sunday that weekend after starting the tablets . So I had started them for around 4 days. And by the weekend, I just couldn't get out of bed.

I had no motivation, no drive, I was exhausted and I was sad about it.

The Sunday, I couldn't get out if bed until the evening, then when I did I only went to lay on the sofa. And it's not a laziness like 'ah I don't want to get out of bed', it's more a 'what's the point' and physically feeling like you can't move. I knew that Sunday I needed help, so that night I emailed a counsellor I found online local to my area, and I got a response straight away for that week. I was so pleased to be seen in a week as I knew I needed to see someone, soon.

The Monday it just started getting worst. I worked from home and I could hold my concentration for work, however my thoughts were completely overwhelming me and I couldn't see properly (the blurry vision) and my body was shaking. I knew I needed to speak to work as I needed to let them know what was going on. I needed to talk about it.

The Tuesday was breaking point.

I completely cracked, in work too. At that point I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't stand up properly as I felt so dizzy, I couldn't stop crying and was panicking about everything.

Will I lose my job? Will this get better? Will I feel better? What is happening to me?

I felt like I couldn't be outside, in work, or anywhere but home. I just had to get out and go home.

Work have been so understanding and supportive. So we agreed that week I would take the rest of the week off and I would rest, hoping I would start to feel better in a week.

I'll talk more about that first week in the next blog; the feelings and the thoughts I was having.

As my main goal for this blog, I share these with you all to know if your going through it, these thoughts are feelings are completely normal when in this state.

It does get easier. I didn't feel like it in the beginning but it does.

Danni