People care, they really do

Originally posted Jan 2, 2021.

I actually wrote this post back in 2019 when I was still recovering from my breakdown. So here we are, 2021, and I'm posting now!

I totally didn't realise I was doing it, until it was pointed out.

I have always generally been good at self reflecting and being self aware. But this time I had no idea what I was doing.

It has been recently (around Sept 2019) that I again have started to feel, not down as such, but unmotivated, exhausted and not wanting to do anything after getting home from work.

I was putting it down to the change in weather. I have never been affected by the winter months as I have always enjoyed the cold and wrapping up. Spending rainy days in doors with the heating on, or the duvet on the sofa, with candles lit around the room.

This year I thought I was really feeling the dark mornings and nights and it was this affecting my mood and energy levels.

It wasn't until a conversation recently, where someone close to me spoke about how they felt I had been.

They explained the below:

You seem distant

You don't look at me when we talk

You don't talk anymore

You don't seem here

You don't want to do anything

You don't seem like yourself

I want the Danni I know back

It wasn't until I heard these words it really hit me. I wasn't myself. But after so long why? This year had been so hard, and I was feeling so much better that I did. But why was I still not me?

I thought I was fine, until I heard this.

The next day, I had a Doctors appointment anyway to check up on my tablets. Not long ago I did go up to 30mg from 20mg on the Citalopram, so it was just to check how this was going. Initially I noticed a huge difference, especially at work. I felt much happier, but now it's kind of levelled out.

I spoke to the Doctor and asked "Can the tablets make me seem emotionless?" and "Can they make me (all the points raised above) act this way?"

The Doctor replied with yes, it can happen.

I didn't realise, after being on the tablets for around 8 months now, that whilst they balance out anxiety and depression, they can actually block other emotions too. Stopping you from feeling really happy, or even really sad.

I use to cry all the time, not because I was always sad, but I actually cry through happiness a lot. It wasn't until writing this post that I realised I haven't actually cried at something happy!

A few weeks ago, I went to see my youngest brother's ceremony, and always seeing him sing has made me cry. I am always bursting with pride. I watched him be promoted and I was happy. But I didn't cry.

He even asked me (as always) "Did you cry?".

I turned around and said "I didn't this time, but I'm still so proud and happy".

I didn't realise at the time, I didn't cry because of the tablets.

That was something I didn't expect, and that is why I write this blog in particular to spread awareness of this. You might have family close to you that say the same to you, and it could be hard to explain why you are being/feeling/acting this way.

It was all completely unintentional, and the person close to me who mentioned this knew this too. But I am grateful it was brought up with me.

And you know what, it's OK, the above. The first thing is recognising it and looking at what to do next.

Keep your chin up.

I will keep you updated.

Thanks,

Danni