How the next few weeks went

Originally posted 14th July 2019.

They felt like forever. But 4 - 6 weeks isn't a long time in the grand scheme!

After I started the medication that I talked about in the last blog, the next 4 - 6 weeks were back to baby steps in my life.

Sounds weird right? But it was just that. Everything that was completely normal for me before. Everything that didn't take a second thought, now the thought of doing it whilst feeling anxious, made it so hard to get back into living a 'normal life'.

An example is making a cup on tea. The fatigue would make it so hard to continue with any task and get up of the sofa or out of bed. I was so unmotivated to do anything. Making a cup of tea would take much longer as I would get up, boil the kettle, and lay down. Get up, put the tea bag in, lay down. Get up get the milk, pur the hot water, lay down. Then get up again to finish making the tea.

Sounds so crazy

but that is how it went with everything.

With help from my counsellor and family, every small step I took was a small victory that I was eventually winning.

After I started to feel the effects of the medication and the panic attacks and side effect started to calm down, I would give myself one tasks that day I was proud of and cheered myself for. One day it was bathing, the other making a tea, the other even moving the washing basket to outside the washing machine. That's how it went, even right up until the present day I still pat myself on the back for doing it.

Everyday I would speak to my step-mum, and very often I would speak to my mother-in-law to be and best friend. They would all praise to the high heavens if I managed to sit up for most of the day as I just couldn't sit up, or when I did the washing for the first time again.

These steps are really hard to tackle when your fighting internally with your own thoughts, but it is absolute baby steps!

The hardest thing I found was the not eating in the beginning and leaving the house. I honestly felt I would never be able to leave the house again. I talk more about this in another blog.

Baby steps still move you forward.

I was signed off for four weeks, which in the grand scheme of life isn't long at all, but I was absolutely determined to get better. The way I was feeling, I never wanted or ever want to feel that again. I did doubt myself as my family will know, but I really did fight the who way to find Danni again.

Throughout all of this I was still having anxious thoughts about everything. Its not just a case of sitting there lazy doing nothing, its trying to bring in your rational thought process to tell yourself its an overreaction (not easy to fight off) and that everything will be OK.

Throughout this whole process I wrote down a lot of my thoughts and feelings, which I would love to share. Some of them are a bit deep but I want to share to those who are struggling as well, to know these thoughts do cross our minds but as long as you believe if nothing else you will get better. They pass, and you can again regain control.

I'll share these in the next blog.

Danni